Relationships… Friendships…and Readjusting Expectations….

Relationships are an interesting paradigm…it means different things to different people…., I beleive Relationship are often influenced by the following:

Our internal struggles often become our interpersonal struggles (playing out with others). we each possess a unique inner landscape of expectations, hopes, dreams, biases, conflicts and fears—ways of being that were formed by our earliest relationships and that now shape our perceptions, reactions and how we interact with others.

Intimate interactions from early life serve as the basis upon which relationships later in life are formed.Intimate relationships formed during the early stages of life ultimately give rise to an individual’s personality development. for example, if you have been raised by loving parents who always sowed the best in you, you will naturally inherit those core values and will also expect that is how your partner or your friends should be. But if you have been raised in an abusive situaltion, then the pain , anger and what you carry can shape your future relationships to be very different.

I have been blessed with beautiful parents who have instilled values, love and strong sense respect for one another…So I have always looked at forming relationships and friendships with a view from “My roots” always assuming that people who I form friendships are also of the same wavelength and with my same principles…..
My family members were so close to one another and so supportive to one another…. and most importantly transparent with one another…I always looked for such qualities is friendships and relationships…. Unitl…..

when I moved to australia as a teenager all by myself, …. I experienced allot of disspointments…. Most of the people who I met, only wanted to use me to fulfil their selfish desires and never bother to give, relationships where my trust was betrayed, people that are  happy to just hang out with you…once every blue moon, and superfcial friendships that had no meaning. I felt very empty and alone….

In my life the probability of meaningful relationships were so little compared to a large number of relationships that were meaningless. This left a vacuum in my heart as I always was looking for something that was deep, transparent and filled with love and respect in the relationships I wanted to have…….as those were the relationships that I grew up with.

But later on in my life I learnt that…. you will be disappointed when you place expectations on the relationships you build if you keep expecting them to tick every box you have set in your mind… If treating people with honesty is what you have grown up with for someone who comes from an abused, broken family where those core values were never instilled, for them it may be not important. So expecting that from someone who has never understood what that means will only lead you to be disappointed.

In my relationship with my husband, I have had to really learn to rethink the paradigm of relationships and make allot of adjustments…I walked into this marriage expecting that we were going to have a family life that exactly resembled my childhood days….I am an extrovert, my husband is not !  I share everything, he is a man of few words.

It was hard to deal with disspointments earlier in my marriage, but I have changed allot thorugh gods grace to re-adjust my expectations from him as I understand, each person is unique and bring their own value add into a relationships. As I started not to place expecations on my husband to be a certain way, god worked supernatural miracle to change him to be the way I have always desired. He now talks !! and not so silent anymore. ( not sure whether that is a good thing anymore)

• It is important not to interact with people with a pre-filled checklist of what they should and shouldn’t be to you….I have accepted that some will give you the deep and transparent and honest interaction that I desire and some may not… so for the people who don’t give me anything…I look at whether I can be some kind of positive influence in their life to make a difference in their life…. IF YES.. then I am happy to be there for them as that is also a type of a ministry where god uses you as a vessel to empower someone.
• If I feel the interactions I have is draining me, leaving me empty… and unhappy.. then I have gone through the process of de-cluttering those friendships out of my life.

• I have opened myself to have friendships with all walks of life without being restrictive about whom I want to be friends with because I now believe that psychological maturity involves integrating intimacy into a life’s framework that encompasses all parts of life. Now I feel less disappointed… and look at relationships with a new perspective.

Life is a journey…. embrace it as it comes !

Its peaceful when you only place your expecattions on GOD only !! no one else can satisfy you like he does.

Working Mothers Guilt

I am sure that every working mother has somewhere in their walk of life has felt what I have felt. That “I am not doing enough for my kids because of my work” . I have always felt that I am forever coming short when it comes to doing enough and giving enough for your kids. As a woman, a mother and a wife you are always expected to give, compromise and sacrifice, not to mention your work, church commitments, community and friends.

When I am around my friends, or members of Church or mum’s group, I am always made to feel that I am the ODD one out. Why… because I have a career, I have 2 young kids, I work full time and we don’t have cleaners (Yes I am Crazy)! And I cook and clean. Although the initial reaction is “How do you do IT?” Which I find very complimentary… However often the conversation turns into “You should not be working, Your kids need you. Some directly critisize me for being a working mother.

Either I am viewed with a perception that I must be an awful mum who neglected my kids and prioritised my career, or I am viewed to be greedy to make money. I don’t know about others, but I am sharing my own experience that where ever I went , or met new people the central topic would be about my Job and the sighs around …”ahh Poor Kids”. Including the church members. I used to come home feeling guilty and beat myself about “AM I a GOOD MUM” … And then I realised being a good mum has got nothing to do with whether you work or not…… It is about who you are and what you want to be to your kids…. Its about your core values.

It is not easy to be a working mother and run a home, I agree…. but I try my best…. after a hard days of work, Both my hubby and I give our fullest attention to our kids, whether it be nutritious food, or quality time, playing board games, educating them, and of course with lots of laughter and fun. Weekends are always for Kids…. The sacrifice we both make is there is no concept of “Me” time for both of us…. we try our best to ensure our kids get the best. Yes I can’t attend every event in the school, (e.g. morning tea’s… ball games) etc, however when something means something to my children then we both try our best to attend those events.

Yes there are trade offs…… when they come home, I am not waiting for them at the door with freshly baked muffins….Yes…. they have to go to after school care for extra 40 mins after school finishes, but not once I have heard my kids say.. Oh mum I wish I never had to go to after school care as they are outgoing and friendly and they have made friends and they are involved in some kind of activity such as ART, SPORTS etc.

Then why am I criticised? Why does the society Judge me….But how do working mothers stop battling with constant guilt? Am I doing enough? Am I giving enough? I know no scientific evidence says children are impacted when their mothers work. My parents worked full time and let me tell you, I had everything that i could have ever wished for. (Not material things) But their time, their love. When they were at work, it allowed me to develop “my own self” and I was given the space to reflect and change through self reflection. When they came home at nights I had the time to share my day and my thoughts with them and get their views, support and love. It worked for me…. it worked for all my siblings. So why am I given lengthy advice on what I should do and What I shouldn’t do The “Parenting Police” – who know it all …..bombard me with advice on what a “good” parent should, and should not, do….and impart this social pressure on mothers like me who have a reason to work.

For the people who want to know how I do it… this is how….

I am a Christian and firstly, when I took the decision to go back to work after I had my child, I just needed to know whether it was the “WILL” of god for me to do so… I prayed about it for many days until I knew in my spirit that I was in the will of god.

1. Understand the core reason for why you want to work? (it could be financial commitments, it could be sanity, it could be self worthiness, it could be drive to achieve something, you want to make a difference ). Your goal and the outcome you are hoping to get will give you the motivation to keep going.

2. Accept that there will be compromises, tradeoffs and sacrifices.
Working out what works for you and your family is key. What is an acceptable trade off and what is not is really important. Have a conversation with your partner and your kids and ensure that not everyone can meet every ones’ expectations at all time. That is reality of living. Talk about What will work, and what won’t work, and ensure that everyone involved is happy.If you needed to read a book to your kid , then accept the ironing you had in you “To do list” may have to be crossed off. Compromise… Trade offs… And balance is the key.

3. Plan..Your Week.
I know being organised is not everyone’s cup of tea. But to be a working mother this skill is inevitable. Otherwise it could become very stressful.I normally plan my week with my hubby and kids on a Sunday including what meals they would like to have for the week and what activities and social commitments we can and can’t accept. So that expectations are met.

4. Accept that you can’t be “perfect” in everything.
Giving up something to be a “Super Mum” to ensure everything is right will only drive you to be stressed, and anxious. It can take away the joy of actually enjoying your children and the journey of child rearing. If you can go to bed with a conscious that you did your best and you did what you could do to be there for you kids that day then that is good enough. The ‘perfect’ parent – which the magazines portray or your mum’s group imply will only get you to a state of guilt.

5. Finally Don’t Buy-In to the negative comments from the “parenting police”.
When you are given a lecture about what you should and should not do a as a mother….Ensure that you don’t take those comments into your mind and beat yourself about it. Let it go… and as Jesus said “Forgive those who prosecute you” Often when you look deep into the people who pass these negative comments have their own issues to deal with. I have often wondered…. Why can’t these women say “ I know you are working… do you need help with anything or Can I help you ?” That would be supportive and encouraging, But instead they are happy to have a verbal diarrhoea about what you should and should not be doing.

Just be reassured ..God will give you the grace to be balance work and family IF it is his Will for your life.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a great parent!

And in my eyes ALL Mothers (working or not working) will always strive to be the BEST parent as they can be.As mothers…lets support one another.. (working or not working) because we all need all the love and support this world could give us!